We both lost faith on each other.
I remember those days, very first time I look at my ex-boyfriend. He looks very cute and charming. He is like the most happiest person in the world, every day I could see he do is laughing and smiling. He is very positive person, confident and he could missed his Bus to college but still think it is complete all right. He could falls down in his life but still faced it very positively.
We get very close in rapid of time, we were so happy to meet each other every day in college although we are in different course, we spend time together each day and sometime I attend his class. We are college student that time, both of us don’t have much money to spend, but I kind of thinks that was most beautiful time I spent in the entire 21 yo, he is would buy me his’s favorite noodles soup for me on lunch time in the college's canteen and we are happy even is not expensive food because we got to spend time together everyday lunch.
After one semester of dating, we are on our graduate years soon, he was in his internship, I was on my last semester on the college, we both have to accept the facts that we will be apart for someday, we both have no transport to reach each other except maybe weekend. I feel really missed him in this day. I was very clingy person and we are so in love in this stage.
After the last semester of the college, I have to study abroad in UK for the half years, half years is not much compare to some people study abroad few years to take their degree. Before the semester I gone to UK, we meet a lots, I have my partime job in the shopping center, I remember that he would willing to visit me even he was in exam, He waited me to off work. I feel very warm that he is so good to me in this stage. Then I flew all the way from Malaysia to UK, we have 7 hour time different. Sometime we both talk phone on the late night. It was tough time to separate so long and so far, luckily we been through all the hard time there, I remember that day I got back to my country, he cried in the lift, he said he feel something special to meet me again.
We both working after the long separation, My first job I work 6 days in a weeks, He would travel from his site to meet me at weekend, sometime weekdays, after work, he had to jam in traffic maybe one hour to fetch me after my work, and we go for dinner. I appreciate the hard-work that he had payoff. I was still very happy in this moment, sometime we argue, but we never lost faith.
Soon, I left my first job, due to some company politics issue, In one month time I got myself another new job, This job have given me a lot of free time, I got to off two day in a weeks, but here the problem come in, I was a very clingy person, I bother him a lots maybe, He started to lost faith on me, he lost his patient, I lost my patient too. He told me I have to do my own things on weekend, he can’t afford to finds me during every weekends he got his own things to do, I could bear any separation yet I have no transport, I have to rely on him, maybe he lost patient, or he is stress, his work begin to give him a lots of pressure, I just don’t understand.
In years 2016, We join our first half-marathon in April, we argue one day before the marathon, the next day we join the marathon together like usual, we both argue but we still be good with each other every time. He walk with me for the 19kms, he is a runner while I am not, I walk very slow, on the very last 2km he told me, he couldn't wait me anymore, I told him, we make it to so far, this is the only last 2km, but he still left me. This is the first time I started to doubt whether he is right one for me.
In the May 2016, we both went to hike the Kota Kinabalu, This is very tough hiking trip for me, the Mountain is 4,095m-high, My leg sore, and it is freezing up there, I knew he could do better than me, I decided not to climb up to the peak and wait him in the previous rest point, I thought we could make it to go down together, but he told me his leg was sore and he have to reach to the down mountain faster so he could rest, after this word, he run down to the mountain and left me behind, once again. I try to chase him in the mountain, I fell down twice, I get up as quickly as I could, so I could meet him.
Sometime I could feel his lost patient on me, I didn't want to tell more about it, I know we will end up argue, I could remember that practice before the hiking the Mountain Kota Kinabalu, my leg was little bit slow and I was afraid to slips down, so I bend my leg and squat down a little bit, he told me I wasn’t so afraid and it wasn’t so hard, walk like a normal, he told me don’t fake it to get his attention.
Maybe I wasn’t the right one, or maybe I really not good enough, after so many things he told me, he really make me feel I am not enough for him, he want me to be more independent, I just being too clingy for him. At last I decided to have my own things to do, I start work out and we only meet once a week, or maybe twice a week, I started to focus on my stuff, I wasn’t so clingy at last time, maybe he didn’t notice yet, or maybe my past annoyed him a lots, he still not have patient on me.
I knew He likes marathon a lots, I wasn’t trying to stop him, but I wanted to join a small run with him so we could finished together so I can erase that bad memories and replaced with a good one. I signed up and a small run with him together that is only 8kms. I think this is a good distance we both can finish together. We argue one weeks before the run, I didn’t remind him about the run date, because I thinks he should know it because he loves marathon and I pretty sure that I told him I register both of our name for that run and I told him the date during the register period. During that particular date, I wake up in the morning, wondering if he remember today is the date. He didn’t make it to the run, I swear this is the longest run that I had ever walk, I once want to stop myself from finishing the run, because I felt is exhaust from deep of my heart, I swear to myself, this would be my last run on my life, it took me so long to finished, My heart felt it take me forever to finished because I walk alone. In that day afternoon, he come and find me, I remember My mother ask him why he didn’t come to join me for the run, I remember all I heard is he said to my mother. “I don’t know there is a running event.” He don’t even remember that run is significant to me, and I never told him.
Finally I planned to move on my life without him, I try very hard, I guess we both tried very hard, It been three and a half years, it is very long period, I guess we both are really tired on that stage. I couldn’t bear it one more time if he left me, he couldn’t take my complaint anymore. I very upset on that stage, and he is very stress that time. I remember we called up in phone for the one last time, he never called and visit me anymore since then.
Faith is the key point holding peoples together, by losing of the faith, the relationship is not going to work out anymore. Feelings will tell you weather you still have faith with each others, sometimes we have to honest to our feeling. I accept the truth now and I have to keep searching my faith in future.
